Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
