My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
no you cant smoke seaweed
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize