she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
