You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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