Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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