brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize