Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
