If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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