Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
