He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
