Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
