You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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