Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
