I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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