So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize