While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You are a genius and a whore.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
