The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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