Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize