peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Randomize
