My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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