I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
