nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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