Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
