Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Randomize
