I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
