dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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