STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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