wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
