im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I can't put those talents on a resume
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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