Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
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