Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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