How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
