I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
