I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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