Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
