: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
