Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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