If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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