Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize