Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
