she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
