Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
