If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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