I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize