Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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