Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Randomize
