mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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