yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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