Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
