my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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