Four minutes until I can fart!
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
