I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
