hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
