so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize