This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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