If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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