Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
