i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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