Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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