We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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