the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize